After last Wednesday’s breakdown, I decided to woman up and choose not to complicate things. I am standing by what I’ve been preaching: Choose battles worth losing. This time I let things just go (although honestly, I could’ve won this case but that’s not the point).
I am actually surprised at the severity of my breaking down last Wednesday. My father’s birthday is coming up next week and I feel like grief has snuck up on me. I thought I have come into terms with my father’s passing but I was wrong. He will always be remembered, yes not every day but when it stings, it really stings.
My sister always tells me stuff like things I dont know, her words were “Didn’t Tatay (father) tell you that” in an undermining tone, yeah I get it, my father and I don’t talk that much but you know sometimes, I wish she doesn’t rub it on my face. I’m not even a competition for goodness sake. Besides, so what? What’s in it for her?
Anyway, my week brightened up a little when I got a call from my telephone company telling me that my phone is ready for pick up. I rushed to the service center to claim my phone and had dinner with Jess, the one I asked to accompany me. I went home at past 10pm all giddy with my new phone. Here’s the thing about staying with Apple (iPhone): I did not back up everything so I was prepared to lose everything but somehow, Apple magically backed everything up that all my phone contacts were intact and even photos were there too. Sure some are missing like the recent ones, but I really have no care about the photos. At least my phone contacts are safe.
Friday, I finally made time to meet someone from a different church. In 2013, I explored the possibility of attending a different church. Five years later, my search for my unwavering faith and personal relationship with the Lord seemed to have intensified. I am now opening my self and making a conscious effort to seek for a prayer support group. My family doesn’t know, after my mother’s very dramatic threat regarding the length of her life if I convert my faith, I would not tell them. I would not hide it, but I would not proactively tell them. And besides, I am not converting…yet.
Remember my non-existing, delusional love life? I was actually hoping to see him. Actually, I learned that he’s just around the corner and yet made zero effort to see me. Again, clear as day. It doesn’t take a genius to figure out that this is going nowhere. I’ve given enough time to really entertain it and there’s just nothing to think about anymore. I had a good talk with a friend and I think everything’s just all in my head. And I milked the fantasy of what could’ve been. I’ve been a fucking idiot.
Anyway, it’s the weekend once again. I’ve passed up again on swimming in the morning but I’m hoping to jog later. I’m starting to feel the need for my endorphins. Week after next would be the start of the holy week. I have no plans other than to just stay lowkey and do actual self-reflections.