These are my thoughts, exactly.
Today is the last day of February, and oh how it went to fast that we are already on the third month of this year. I wouldn’t say I had fun with those first two months, it was long, hard, kept me on my toes and forbid me from making plans.
I had an emotional roller coaster. My realizations were also on fast track. I’ve had some embarrassing self-realizations that I am too humiliated to write. Not because I don’t want to share it, it’s just that seeing it finally in written form and in black and white makes it official. Sometimes, I scare my self. I go from purely independent 21st century, feminist woman to someone who fools herself into another version of a make-believe Sunday morning.
I also miss swimming. I had forgotten how happy it made me, and now after four months of not taking a dip in the pool, I am finally making time for it, tomorrow. I also miss painting, I don’t know why I let it take a back seat. I also stopped buying books and passed up on major book sales because I have tons at home that I have yet to read.
I always wonder how other people think. Can some people do blank thoughts? I can’t even meditate. I can’t silence my mind. I’ve resulted to talking to different individuals, even those of not my same wavelength, just to pick their brains. I was even taken aback then I interviewed an applicant this year and impressed how confident she was that she doesn’t have a 5 year plan for she is not a big planner. She said she just have these life landmarks and she goes from there. It seems to be working out for her. She fearlessly face each day with this incredible optimism that puts my
forced, learned positivity to shame.
I keep hearing encouragements to go ahead and trust the process, and trust me I’m really pushing myself to learn that. Almost every afternoon I go for a brisk walk just to get my mind off things, but it hasn’t really worked well as I lip synch lyrics and imagine them to someone I’ve been lately frequently thinking about. Sometimes, I take a break and list the things that I would go back doing when I go back to the office. It has been productive for me, but I’m spent when I get home.
Anyway, tomorrow is the first day of March and Summer is coming in full gear. I feel like a new month is a New Year for me as my days seemed long. But the good take away I had from all these things that happened, I am learning to take things one day at a time.
I can’t believe I over-analyzed things so much that I would like to give myself a kick now. What’s funny, and brave, was I documented some of it as I would like to see how it will go down the line.
As usual, it’s not turning out the way I over-analyzed it to be.