Tête-à-tête · Wri-therapy

Faith it till you make it

I saw that saying online and decided that it’s going to be my Facebook Banner this year.

“Every year, you’re somebody new” My friend Paully told me one Friday afternoon.

It was just the beginning of the year, and there we were at a cafe, a quick short drive from the university where we work, having a late lunch.

It was past 1pm and we had our healthy lunch fix, eating outdoors at the back patio, glancing at the swimming kois.

I could never do this in the city.

And how grateful I am to be in this exact moment, except, well, 2018 had immediately a challenging start.

My Aunt was scheduled to have an operation to have a mass from her stomach taken out, and the doctors also advised to remove her kidney.

So I spent the past days of 2018, regularly visiting churches, climbed up at the miraculous grotto twice, and cried at some places.

The first one was at the adoration chapel, the second one was at the car. It was right after holding it in after my Aunt’s post operation story that she saw Jesus and Padre Pio when she was groggy at the recovery room.

I cried and said my prayer of thanks, because I immediately took it as a sign that God is saving her and answering my prayers. What I did not like was when a story of her endorsing her duties of taking care of her older brother (my uncle). And that my cousin saw her researching cancer symptoms in the privacy of her own room in her office, crying.

I feel for her. Maybe that’s why it stings. We are her immediately family as she chose to be single as well. She just turned 60, and should’ve been enjoying her life if she retires 5 years from now.

Her batch mate and one of her travel buddies, also single, even got engaged last year, and now hopping in and out of USA, visiting her divorced beau. And like girlfriend problems we had back in HighSchool, when she got a current beau, she was hardly to be found.

I feel for her because while others seems to be doing good, she was either in the hospital getting checked, and now has gotten an operation. I told her this morning to not check Facebook so as not to be bothered about why everything’s been happening to everyone but her, but I feel it was more personal to me.

Although I know the “secret lives” we all have on Facebook, sometimes I can’t still shake off the feeling.

Last year, while bored and having a mental tantrum, I messaged my friend Aya and Eisen, if they were happy, in the middle of the afternoon. And as usual, I got brilliant insights of how the whole life pursuit shouldn’t be centered to me.

And now I look back thinking how I wish I cherished the feeling of being bored because everything seems blah, unlike now I feel like I, with the rest of the family, are walking on egg shells, waiting for the biopsy results.

And I feel for my Aunt, well maybe because I see a part of myself in her.

Again, how I turned this post about me.

So this year, to combat my fear of the future, I started the year with reading Rick Warren’s The Purpose Driven Life. I’ve had that book since 2013, and I never get past chapter 10.

Now Im on Chapter 13 and I’ve been waking up early to have a quiet time for a private time with the Lord.

Paully is right. Every year I am new. Although I felt it before, nobody actually told it straight to my face. And now it’s confirmed.

Honestly, the changes that I’ve felt were I seem to be more calm and at peace. Sure I am still scared most of the time, the future really keeps me at the edge of my seat, but I found serenity in my newfound spiritual ritual. When I feel panicky, I drop everything to pray.

So starting this year, I will FAITH IT TILL I MAKE IT.

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