I have a lot of thoughts


I know they say it’s addicting to talk to people about problems. I have adulthood concerns, that I know I have no control of. When I think about mine, it’s heavy. When I compare it to others, my problem’s just minimal. It just seems magnified because, well, it’s mine.

Lately I have been feeling a little demotivated. I keep thinking, this is because I have not gone in a vacation for far too long. But then the realist inside of me tells me, What about others who can’t afford a vacation? I cannot have this sense of entitlement mentality.

I have been feeling unappreciated. I tricked and trained my self into not craving for approval and live freely. It worked for most days but it still gets me, especially if I did something that’s out of my persona for this person only to be criticised. The only time I get appreciated is when other people appreciates it more than they do and that’s when they get mentally transformed into appreciating what I’ve done. I keep telling myself, I am not even like this, this is not me, but then lately I’ve come to realized maybe it’s really the real me because I do nice things without being told, and without really expecting anything in return or recognition, and I do it even when no ones watching. I might be a changed person for years now and I may still be in denial.

I still miss the “Rebel”in me. I miss the time when I have no care at all.  I guess it’s really true and possible to just wake up one day and be different. I sometimes have the longing of an old person looking back in his/her youth. Like I would want to have or at least go back to the time when I was young and fresh with ideas and idealism, excited for the rest of my life out of college, but at the same time I don’t want to go back to being young and stupid.

I’ve been doing a lot of flashbacks. Like I take my self back into nine years ago, the feeling of what it was like when I was in my twenties, recklessly living and loving (most of the thoughts were about relationships) and I just look back at the highlights of the past, longing for what it feels like, what it felt like, and then ends the thought WILL I EVER BE THAT HAPPY (AND IN LOVE) AGAIN?

I still long for that zest. When I turned 28 I have declared that I will watch my life cautiously and make the right decisions, and even though it was worth my calculated risk, I still long to those who appears to have this incredible zest for life…or at least what it appears on social media. Even if it’s all pretensions (I still know better in real life), their pretensions are better than mine.

I have tried to escape for a quick break. I went to my “safe place” and it did not really do the trick. All I wanted was to go back to my old place and be unapologetic about my being myself and my life decisions only to find the place different. The place is the same, the time is now different.

I realized the consequences I am paying for. I recklessly thought that the reason I (and fate) chose me to be single and childless is so that I don’t have to deal with the unnecessary drama, hassle, worrysome and I am well aware that motherhood is not for the faint hearted. I don’t think I am as strong and cut out for it. It’s not true, you get an equivalent. I thought I get to maintain, retain, sustain my freedom. I am so wrong. I eat emotional blackmail for breakfast.

It dawned on me that you can’t escape your choices. I kept thinking that the reason I chose this, is so that I will not have to deal with that. But again, you get an equivalent. I have pondered over this for about three years now, and it is only recently that I realized that these are the consequences of what I chose. I made a choice.

I think about asking strength and endurance. And you know that things that I pray for, the one that I said I will painstakingly put up with, I am still dealing with it now. I am grateful, I just need a little help. Maybe I should pray twice as hard when in comes to endurance.

I found my quiet time by briskwalking. For three months now, I have successfully included brisk walking in my afternoons. I know it’s good for the health, and I’m also doing it for health reasons, but it’s my only “ME time”in the afternoon where I can be alone (not really with all the joggers and bikers with me, not to mention the occassional Hi and Hello from people I know in the community). I said, maybe I will make my briskwalking session my quiet time with the Lord, but I ony utter a few short lines of talking to God and then I just zone out. For the first time, I found an activity where I really do not think and just concentrate on my breathing. I am grateful.

I have thoughts about changing religions. Specifically to be a Born Again Christian. Because I seek a very personal relationship with God. If I tell my concerns to my Sagrado Katoliko mother, she’s going to oppose it, and if I tell her I need a spiritual adviser, an actual person to actually talk to, she’s going to tell me to go to confession with a priest, or better yet join a Catholic prayer group, or worse recruit me in her Legion of Mary prayer warriors (ages 60 and up). And that is why I buy Christian-authored books and read daily devotionals.

People get their turns. Just not now, but they will, too.









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